


Called Dibs

by drelfina



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Founders Era, Hashirama gets peace, Izuna is even more displeased, M/M, Madara is very displeased, Madara is very surprised, Madara was ambushed with LOVE at FIRST SIGHT, Tobirama was oblivious, just crack, lightbulbs for everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22276195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: Madara was ambushed.A straight hit to the sharingan.(that's how love works, in Uchiha)
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna/Uchiha Madara, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara
Comments: 71
Kudos: 1119





	Called Dibs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [evocates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evocates/gifts).



> alternative titles were 
> 
> TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE  
> LOVELIGHT  
> WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME  
> PEOPLE NEED LOVE  
> HEAD OVER HEELS  
> UNDER ATTACK
> 
> You get the slightly more reasonable title, thanks to Evocates. You're welcome!

It started out so _normal_. 

Well. 

As normal as a battle in the middle of a once-fallow farmland could be (And soon to become an overgrown thicket of whatever the fuck Hashirama was going to pull out of ~~his ass~~ nothing). Madara was fairly sure that _this_ time they'd be able to go home with minimal casualties, because Izuna had _promised_ that he had figured out a counter to Senju Tobirama's _everything_ , this time, I swear, Nii-san. 

He had been weirdly intent about it, which Madara was very grateful for? Intent and focus and drive meant that Izuna was going to come home with absolute minimum injuries (though it being the Senju Demon, injuries of some sort was a given.) If nothing else, he hoped that Izuna would give the Demon a good hack to the hamstrings and put him out of commission for a while. 

(Not just for battles - it was a bit of a pain to compete with the fucking Senju for missions too, and unfortunately the Senju were way too versatile, and Tobirama was way too _showy_ , the little fucker showing off his _everything_ , to the point that it was a wonder that Father hadn't lived full time in the capital to get missions before clients could _think_ of Senju Fucking Tobirama. Madara was thinking very strongly of doing that himself.) 

So it was normal, everything was fine; Hashirama rushed up to him _as usual_ like the stubborn, idiot oak he was, and Izuna was trying to avoid breaking his katana (Again) against Tobirama's - 

Except this time there was a sharp crackle? Of Electricity? 

Lightning. 

And Madara had to look, because that was his _brother_ , he had to be sure Izuna was SAFE - 

And when he _Looked_ , there was Tobirama, electric-blue and his sword - wasn't a sword per se but like Raiden-sama come down to earth, practically _glowing_. 

Madara's mistake was that his sharingan was active - because Tobirama was crackling lines of almost divine chakra, the blade he was holding a full extension of lightning on earth, his control ridiculous like he was holding it in for bare mortal _vision_. 

And Uchiha were very, _very,_ susceptible to _vision_.

For a brief moment it was like seeing _beyond_ the current world, this current _body_ , and Madara was very lucky it was Hashirama, not anyone else, because Madara was grabbing Hashirama by the straps of his armour and screaming, "Why is your brother _attractive_?!" 

"What," Hashirama said. Thank every ancestor looking out for him, Hashirama _didn't_ stab him in the face with the mokuton. 

"Look at him!" Madara yelled. 

Hashirama looked aside towards their brothers. "He's... breathing? And fighting Izuna?" 

"He's breathing attractively! How?!" 

"Um." 

Izuna skittered back a little, straightening. "What the - Shut the FUCK up, Niisan, I _called_ dibs!" 

Tobirama very barely stopped from skewering Izuna in the GUT with his glowing, cackling extension of _living will_ , and Madara could feel his brain die a little. 

"I'm older than you!" Madara yelled back. 

"Fuck you, Niisan!" 

"Excuse me?" Tobirama said. "What are you going on about -" 

"So," Hashirama said, slowly, dragging Madara's attention back to him, apparently completely unconcerned about the fact that Madara had been all but yelling in his face about the sheer wanton attractiveness of his little baby brother who not two days ago had occupied the space of _feral demon_ in Madara's brain and now had somehow leap-frogged straight into the _attractive as fuck_ section. 

"Anija, whatever you're thinking, it's _no_ ," Tobirama said. 

"A peace agreement based on Tobirama being given in marriage to the Uchiha?" Hashirama said, starting to smile wide and absolutely feral. (There was a reason why Senju were _fucking animals_ , and they were all feral in the brain, down to the last one.) "That was why you were holding out all this time, Madara?" 

"Anija, very much _no_!" 

"Tobirama, would you like to marry the Uchiha?" 

"I cannot," Tobirama said, drawing back with all the dignity of a priest, and the crackling sword shut off. Too late though, Madara had _seen_ what he looked like with the power of elements at his fingertips, and it was permanently engraved on his brain. "I cannot marry an entire clan." 

"So your only objection is the entire clan, huh." 

" _Anija_!" 

"Madara and Izuna can duke it out for your hand," Hashirama said brightly. 

"How about _no_ , I saw him first!" 

"The Uchiha sometimes practice polyandry when two brothers marry the same wife," Hikaku said very loudly, clearly asking to be drowned in the next pond they passed. 

"I want _neither_ ," Tobirama said, looking completely aghast at the two very viable options of perfect, peak Uchiha male specimens, and really, Madara would be insulted. 

"I am _insulted_ ," Izuna said. 

"Why," Tobirama said, because he didn't know Izuna as well as… well, anyone else in the Clan. 

"I've been your sole rival for _years_ ," Izuna said, "very carefully studying and countering you in _every way_. I'm your true soul-mate!" 

He paused. "Also, I'm prettier than Niisan." 

"That is not an argument," Tobirama started. 

" _Excuse me_ ," Madara yelled, "I am plenty pretty!" 

"Like I said, prettiness is not an argument," Tobirama said, starting to look a little wild around the eyes. Like he was about to bolt. 

Hashirama probably could read that pretty well - because tree roots burst out of the soil and wrapped straight around Tobirama's legs. 

"Anija," Tobirama said, warningly, a low rumble of almost menacing thunder and Madara might have swooned. A tiny bit, inside.

"You're very pretty, niisan," Izuna said, "if you did something about your hair." 

"Please ancestors," Hikaku murmured, while Madara screeched at his insulting horrible, terrible little brother. 

"But this is the way to _Peace_!" Hashirama exclaimed, entirely too joyful for everyone's peace of mind. And their eardrums. 

"Anija, I know where you _sleep_."

* * *

"So," Hikaku said, with remarkable equanimity and composure. "You're Senju Touka aren't you?" 

"Mm," said another Senju, blandly pretty in the way that all Senju kinda were, whipcord flexible like bamboo, the way all Senju were somehow tree like. "And who is asking?" 

"This one is called Hikaku," Hikaku said. 

"Why don't you marry the giant tree instead, you're both equally stupi- aaah help!" 

Hikaku ignored Izuna's cries for help when Madara finally let go of Hashirama to pummel him. "I suspect that the battle is over." 

"Hmmhm," Touka wasn't agreeing, but she wasn't disagreeing either. 

"This isn't quite how I pictured peace becoming reality," Hikaku said. 

"Oddly enough," Touka said, glancing over to where Senju Tobirama was reducing the mokuton to desiccated powder, while Hashirama was cheerfully yelling _Peace_!! "This was exactly how I thought it would go." 

END

**Author's Note:**

> OMAKE
> 
> "I have an idea," Hashirama said. 
> 
> "Anija, no." 
> 
> "Why don't you try to win him over?" 
> 
> "What? No!" Izuna yelled. "He's already mine!" 
> 
> "... Neither of them can even manage charming for more than five minutes, it's not going to be possible," Tobirama said. 
> 
> Madara's gaze narrowed. "Want to bet?" 
> 
> Tobirama tipped his chin up in that way that cats did, all smug and asking for a scratch under the jaw. "I could give you ten years and you still wouldn't manage." 
> 
> "One year, and you'll be begging to marry me," Madara said. 
> 
> "And how much are you willing to lose?" Tobirama sniffed. 
> 
> "We win and we name this village. You win, and-" 
> 
> "I'll name it THE VILLAGE." 
> 
> "Anija _no_."
> 
> * * *
> 
> This is what happens when I ask Evocates, "What if Madara fell in love on the BATTLEFIELD?" 
> 
> Madara is a very calm and collected individual, apparently.
> 
> (All the funniest lines came from Evocates so. :D )


End file.
